Sydney Mum finding motherhood is totes hectic
I’ve been incredibly buoyant and happy from the moment I was pregnant. There are tears almost every day. Good tears. Even 3 months after birth I’m still rolling on a wave of joy. Three years ago I was diagnosed with depression, put on antidepressants then had a year of psychotherapy.
I basically expected to get PND.
Why was I depressed, well I can tell you. It was circumstantial. Between my 40th and 42nd birthdays, I closed my 5 year business, started and left 3 jobs, was obsessed by a boy, drank too much, my mother died of cancer, my aunt was diagnosed with cancer, got caught drink driving and went to court, was hounded by credit card debts and then put under tax audit. In my words, I wasn’t being a very good adult. One or two of these major events is do-able, mentally, but everything went wrong at once.
If these things didn’t happen then all the good things wouldn’t have happened either.
My business was going nowhere. The stress of watching it fail was more difficult than closing it down. You loose your identity as well and being a fashion store owner was a dream. However dreams aren’t fun when you aren’t paying bills, don’t have enough customers and your shop is in the wrong location.
When Mum was diagnosed with melanoma cancer our family was a little estranged. Despite many good years of being friends with my siblings we had had a few too many fights. Over the three months of her illness we got our family and friendship back. Both the hospital and helpers all commended our family on our dedication and commitment to mum’s care. We loved her too much to let any faded old reasons to scowl at each other exist and the pride I have in what we did to make Mum comfortable soothes my ache for her passing.
The drink driving charge was a year after Mum passed. It scared me silly to be seen as irresponsible and be taken to court but I was. I’ll admit I’ve been over the limit a few times and drove to save money on taxis. You think you’ll never be caught or you’re just driving a short and known distance. I thought I was cool being a risk taker, slightly daring and more in control than I was. It’s a mind set that needs to change as much as drinking behaviour.
I’m highly sensitive to such processes and felt mortified to stand in court, be addressed as “Catriona, 42 and single charged with driving over the limit”. I never want to be there again.
Financially I have less income but less debt. However I have done all my taxes, rolled my superannuation (from 4 accounts) and found a lost 5th account, closed two credit cards and paid whatever was outstanding in mortgage, strata and general bills. I cook more, clean more and sing the praises of Aldi my favourite discount supermarket. The tax audit is still on going but I’ve done my best to get everything under control. Debt free is my next goal.
There must be some planetary arrangement in my life over the last few years because everything is totally different. As I pushed the pram and pulled the dog around the shops today wearing a crushed t-shirt, grey infused hair and no make up I’m still in awe of what my life is. I’m bloody happy, finally.